Here's my short list. What am I missing here?1. Television "documentaries" covering what-if analyses of asteroids hitting the earth. Please. Another one was on last night. For one hour, it continued to show something that looked like a giant baked potato hurling toward the earth. The rest of the program consisted of a series of interviews with college professors interlaced with real footage of fire and waves. Should be illegal. There are plenty of things to scare us about that we can actually change.
2. Mustaches. No further explanation required.
3. NOT owning a Ped Egg. Oh man, they're the best. Everyone should have one. How can you not have one after seeing the satisfaction of grating your feet portrayed on commercials?
4. Ever seen those rims that keep spinning when cars are stopped at traffic lights? They should be illegal. Ugly, distracting, so unnecessary.
5. Grocery store check out cashiers analyzing your purchases. My gosh. Someone at the store on Manatee Ave literally makes a commentary on every third item that she scans. I've learned to avoid her check out line. So has everyone else. Her line will be clear of anyone, when every other line is stacked 3-4 people thick.
6. Pennies. Seriously...one cent? Can we PLEASE move past this? I would pay four cents more for anything to avoid the penny. No offense, Abe Lincoln.
and finally,
7. "Wife beater" tank tops. I just feel like sleeves are necessary for the male sex when in public. Or if men must wear tank tops, wear the kind without huge arm holes. It's just not right. ILLEGAL.
10 comments:
And...I'd like to add to your list:
- Toupees...however you spell it or say it, I have never seen one that looked real.
- Cosmetic (and I mean cosmetic) surgery...Come on! Who are we if we are not the collective value of the years we have lived? Fake boobs, facelifts so tight that combined with botox it seems as if the "beneficiary" of this work has Bell's palsy.
- Cell phones...Sorry, I hate them. They're intrusive, obnoxious, Pavlovian, and they give people a license to act like idiots in your space. How many times have we had a pleasant person conversation, like normal people, interrupted by the dulcid tone of Brittany Spears singing to let you know that someone is invading your space? I think a global magnetic pulse is in order...
- Finally...the term "in-laws" as a way of describing your family. Either they are your family...which is what sounds the nicest...or they are their real name. The "in-laws" sounds like an old movie or a legal pleading...
These additions, Brian, are brilliant. The original blog posting should be illegal for leaving them out to begin with.
The other omission: toothpicks. If I see one more person picking his/her teeth in a restaurant, I will perform a citizens arrest. Especially if it's a member of my own household.
lets be real, living in this country for umpteen years and not knowing the language, flying another country flag instead of the one that allows you to live here, asking me for a handout during the day when most people are looking for work or working. add those to the list
First of all, I have another very important item for the list: It should be illegal to have the freedom to comment in a hateful manner without being required to have backbone enough to sign your name to it. "Anonymous", unless attached to a charitible gift, really means coward. That having been said, "A", my parents came to this country not speaking the language and they lived here the rest of their lives preferring Yiddish to English, truth be told. My parents, first generation Americans, spoke perfect English but also felt very much at home in their parent's language. From the second my grandparents passed through the Great Hall on Ellis Island, they relied upon the kindness and compassion of a great and caring nation to give them a hand-up, not a hand out, and their decendants have more than repaid the favor. We pride ourselves on being the greatest, most powerful, most giving nation in the world. Wake up, "A". Have a spine, sign your name, and the remember that no one gave you the right to change the rules unilaterally. So for the record, I vote against your position of cowardice and fear...consider yourself neutralized by the caring opposition. Welcome to a free country. Start acting like you belong here and show the courage of your convictions by signing your name.
I considered deleting the anonymous post when it appeared. The response that followed is much better...happy it originated from another reader.
This country was/is built on a diversity of ideas, beliefs, and origins...one of the things that makes it so great.
Further, the "handouts" comment reflects a sad misunderstanding of many who are in need and find themselves in circumstances which arise through no fault of their own.
Compassion is an important attribute. Without it, you may find yourself wanting help one day lacking a direction to turn.
Well, I was going to leave a humorous comment about no one with a BMI over 25 should wear a Speed brief in a public pool. But then I noticed the profound depth of the previous comments...
On that theme, I think it should be illegal to let any child go to bed hungry.
some more thangs that should be illegal:
1. Bosses who think they are funny when in fact they are so pathetically unfunny that it's almost funny.
2. Mass emails with cats in them. Especially the ones where the eyes have been photoshopped to look like great, staring marbles of your nightmares.
3. #2 with glitter.
4. #3 with motion.
5. People who park so far over the line in the parking lot space that you can't park in a perfectly good spot.
6. Snotty people with inferior talent doing jobs that give them further delusions of grandeur (you know who you are!)
TV's should be illegal. The propoganda and dumbing down of America.
1. Beauty pageants for minors and infants should be construed as a form of child abuse. It's truly amazing what lengths parents would go to make their daughters look like a cross between a Barbie doll and a French harlot. Also, the fights that break out among parents at cute baby contests are every bit as violent as a soccer riot. Finally, parents only enter their kids into cute baby contests and minors' beauty pageants so that they can have a chance to get their egos fondled by a tiara and sash. The whole idea is bloody ridiculous.
2. Using tax shelters should be a felony form of tax evasion. Every penny that someone puts into a tax shelter should be seized by the federal government and put to good use. Its user should also be fined an additional 10% out of pocket. So, if a CEO puts a paltry $100,000 of profit into a tax shelter. He loses every penny of it and gets fined an additional $10,000.
3. Indiscreet public breastfeeding on the street and in crowded venues should be construed as indecent exposure. However, to be fair, a five second grace period should be granted to the mother in question before she's given a citation, the harshest possible punishment. Chronic offenders should be required to use a breast pump for public feeding. It's not so much a measure to keep their children hungry, but more of a measure to keep perverts from taking advantage of them in such a situation. I fully respect women and support breastfeeding, but by god, ladies, please show some discretion. Maybe they should include breastfeeding sections in restaurants.
4. I know that driving under the influence is already illegal, but it should be a felony, regardless of how drunk or high the driver is. Too many people die every year at the hands of intoxicated drivers.
5. Anyone who causes more than $25,000 worth of damage to any building with their car in one crash should have their license permanently revoked. Anyone who manages to so epically fail at driving should never have been able to get behind the wheel in the first place.
6. Doing anything except driving while driving should be considered public endangerment. True story; several years ago, I saw this lady driving on the highway at over 60 miles an hour with a full-size newspaper spread across her steering wheel. It was obvious that she was putting the news before her driving. Now, I live in a mountainous region, so even on the freeway, the turns are sharp.
7. I know this'll sound weird, but trust me, there's absolutely nothing voyeuristic about this next one. Sexist people, sex offenders and rapists (both men and women) should be forced to undergo a sex change operation and live out their lives as the very thing they hate or have victimized. Wife-beaters should become beaten wives, and man-hating feminists should become the very men they emasculate.
8. Predatory and anti-competitive business practices of any sort should be treated as fraud.
And now, for the more humorous ones...
9. Speedos. Guys who wear speedos look like men in bikini bottoms. Actually, for all intents and purposes, they are.
10. Dishonesty in the media, especially blathering easily debunked talking points that push an agenda, regardless of political affiliation.
Post a Comment