When There's No Way to Help...

I am really, really tired. I feel like I've been run over by a giant truck carrying the space shuttle back from Texas.

The reason? Honestly, I think it's from the stress of what is happening to people all around me who I adore to no end. One of the dearest people in my life is in the hospital (again) as she faces an illness that will win when it's all said and done. Ingrid, I love you! You are so brave and amazing in your journey.

A very treasured soul friend has been struggling for some time with significant life/work changes and it pains me to see her enduring this for so long, when she has so much to offer and has been so generous to so many people. She is faithful, resilient. But also growing impatient out of need and frustration. Of course! It's been a long time. Where is the return?

There are others. And the one commonality: it exhausts me to feel so helpless. There's so little I can do, and this is the greatest upset for me. I know in the end, there's a purpose and a place for everything, for everyone. I do believe there's much more to any of our stories than we can understand.

The idea of enduring means a lot. But for now, I just want peace and comfort for them. And good things, like the simple joy you can feel when you're not worried about death, money or the unknown.

Is it a crime to wear this shirt?

Shut UP, Bealles. You are not carrying this shirt.

When I came upon this "thing" hanging on the rack, I was breathless--stunned--like a deer in headlights, blinded by the craziness of one part jail break, one part bike messenger and one Bermuda tourist.

As a 17 year vegetarian who will not buy leather, Bealles is one place I can count on for the plether shoes I must wear. I know now not to move too close into the apparel department to prevent myself from being bombarded with other shock to the system.

One must have a license to buy this, and a second license to wear it. Even then, it could be legal to discriminate against anyone who dares....

If you have this shirt or something like it, please forgive me. But it's unbearable. Save yourself. Save us all.

Sarcastic Sentiments: A new direction for Hallmark?

I'm one of a dwindling few who loves to send greeting cards just for the hell of it.

Hubbie gets furious when asked to sign cards for Halloween, Thanksgiving and especially Valentine's Day--that particular 24 hours being "the holiday that Hallmark just made up"--a fact he reminds me of every February. But today on the card aisle, he was jovial and right on point.

I got to see the worst of someone today and am pretty annoyed about it. But hubbie isolated a perfect selection of cards I could send to address the situation....after adding some choice sarcastic comments to the inside.

Manipulating "congratulations" sentiments, "thinking of you" wishes and other common card slogans to fit my frame of mine seemed to ignite a new spark of Hallmark affection in hubbie. Once on a roll, the comments started flowing like a heated Jerry Springer guest. I've never seen him like this anywhere near paper products.

Hallmark, this could be a new direction for you. Just like those anti-motivational posters, sarcastic sentiments represent the other side of your typical clientele. Can't you be about the whole person too?

Clean cups & forks...too much to ask?

Ever go to a restaurant to find someone's lipstick smacked right on the lip of your glass? What about unrolling that utensil package to find an ABU spoon? Already Been Used is fine, as long as it was thoroughly washed and sanitized before it's passed along to me.

This morning at Word of Mouth, there was a plethora of grime on the dishes. My coffee mug looked as if it had been kissed by a Mary Kay rep on crack...and it wasn't the baked-on kind that just won't come off in the dishwasher. With one easy wipe, it came off on my finger. Such was the case with my neighbor's water glass and with my fork. So that's three dirty dishes that would have looked clean with even a half ass effort in the sink.

I don't know about you, but clean dishes are sort of an expectation for me. Here's the word: get a decent human or mechanical dish washer to keep customers from talking about how many people have passed the cup and added on grub. It was just a little too gross for me, and I'm super forgiving.

Dumped

If you've met Flanders, you know she's an independent kind of girl. Left on the streets around the age of 6 months, this tough pit bull made it into my life just before getting sentenced to death at the pound. After a three week period of feeding her from a distance, in one surrendering moment she was all over me like a long lost friend. We've been joined at the hip ever since, and that was 10 years ago.

One thing you get right away with Flanders is this: she completely does not appreciate you coming too close unless she knows you reaaaaaally well. Not a bad example for a girl. She's unbelievably adorable and unusual looking (to me), but not one of the pretty girls. Definitely not material for the Farmer's Market on a Saturday. ...Although that could be a fun and grand experiment one weekend--just to shake things up a bit there.

Flanders loves a good jaunt on the trails and doesn't make apologies about growling at passing rat terriers or whatever toy breed dares to tempt her. This is the part I don't like. Today some old guy picked up his little dog like Flanders was going to consume it for brunch. She's never actually done anything like that, but I felt pretty bad. Where is the dog whisperer when I need him?

Here's a not-so-savvy human error on my part. Walking along our favorite path at Emerson Point, we came upon the Bay Buddies, a group of youth volunteers doing their part and more to keep the bay clean. Being overseen by a friend of mine from the Estuary Program, they were quietly planting native plants.

Stopping to chat with her, what does Flanders do but take an enormous dump right in front of them. And where's my bag? Er, um, what bag? I was very busted. Bad, bad Gropius! Perhaps this made me look much worse than the dog. What a pair. But you have to give it to Flanders, capitalizing on choice moments is one of her specialties.

Blog posts about dieting are pretty lame...

...but I just have to share. Remember that little contest at work?

It's going well so far. Aside from the fact that it sometimes feels like I'm digesting my own stomach, I'm on the epic journey toward greater health and hopefully a weight that's 5-10 pounds less.

Discipline is like a slow moving virus that's winding through my system, torturing both mind and emotion. Today I took a seat in our break room to do some editing and enjoy my fake sausage links. (Don't those sound appetizing? Completely vegan, I might add.) Into my space of 80 calories walks our prize-winning chocolate chip cookie maker with a fat tub of them, which she plops down right in front of me. Hmm. Interesting test. Go ahead, ask me if I ate one. No! I did not. (And other than chocolate chip ice cream, cc cookies are my fave.)

I've never been a big calorie counter but I'm learning. (And still think it's ridiculous.) Here's an interesting tidbit: there are 180 calories in 1/3 bag of Pop Secret Homestyle and 210 calories in an entire Hershey's. Let's see--a few kernels of corn or a candy bar?

I hope to one day be strong enough to say no to both, but one step at a time, baby. One step at a time. Just to torture myself, I'm thinking of blogging about the best pizza places in Sarasota & Bradentucky. Any favorites?

Really, Sprint, 32 cents?

My satisfaction with Sprint for the past few years had been relatively high. When they did a major screw up on a new order, however, and all 5600 people I spoke with in the company gave me a different (unsatisfactory) way to resolve it, I lost enough faith to drop them. The first round kind of went like this:

Gropius: "So, I wanted a replacement phone and upgrade on my existing account. You added a second phone with a new phone number, and tacked on a new plan."

Sprint: "Yeah? You'll have to cancel the new account and call us back at a different number to order a package to send us the phone back. And 14 days after we receive it, we'll credit you for it. Then we'll order the exact same phone but assign it your old phone number. You might be billed for the time the new phone number was connected."

Gropius: "That's stupid. Isn't there some other way to resolve this?"

Skip down through another 10 conversations with multiple Sprint representatives, and it came to cancelling the account altogether. And although the cancellation process itself was pretty laborious, there wasn't a single occasion where they tried to woo me back into staying with them.

Nearly one month after I paid my final bill...good riddance, Sprint...I opened the mail box to find a cute little surprise: yet another bill in the amount of $0.32. Really Sprint, REALLY. YOU SPENT MORE MONEY ON POSTAGE THAN YOU'LL GET FROM ME.

Anyone have an idea for what I can put on the check memo?

The Office Weight Loss Challenge

All of us at work are trying to drop a few pounds, and we decided to harvest the power of peer pressure to accomplish the goal. So we formed a little "club," each put in $20, and weigh in on Monday mornings for 8 weeks. At the end of the period, whoever lost the most (measured in percent of body weight lost) will receive the collective dinero.

The original idea was that you would use the money for new clothes, but I'm thinking that better motivation will be the guilt factor. If I can remember those who don't have enough to eat each time I'm thinking of going too far with the chips and dip, I will put them down. And I can donate the money that I win to a hunger related charity of my choice...if I can be firm enough with myself to win.

Just when I was thinking this was the greatest idea for me, one of our group members mentioned a better motivator. If I lose, I have to write a check in the amount I would have won to Rush Limbaugh. Oh man, that's some serious motivation, or anti-motivation...however you want to look at it.

It's Just a Juicy Kind of Day

Spring. I can definitely feel it today. Everything seems joyful. I started today at Selby Gardens for "Walk and Roll," a collaborative event they shared with Senior Friendship Centers. As always, the lush greenness juxtaposed with the water of the bay was invigorating and calming. It reminds me of how lucky I am to live here, where many pay their hard earned bucks to vacation. I've got to remember not to take it for granted.

After picking up some flowers from a heavy accented Irish boy at the downtown Farmer's Market, I headed home to find my backyard filled with sound. An entire flock of Gold Finches was hanging out in the trees near the bird feeder. They're stocking up for the long flight to their northern summer grounds. And I must consider it a compliment they are choosing our yard for the extra calories.

It's pretty amazing when you think about these tiny boys and girls flying so far, and knowing just where they're going. Always gives me the chills.

The wind is sporting that easy breeze today, the kind that just makes you feel like everything is alright in the world. Hope you're out and about enjoying life.

Words

What is it with me some days, finding the most mundane things funny or amusing? I ask this question and love the answer: any day I can laugh or be amused, it's a good thing. So here's what's making me snicker today: it's a few words.

Someone used the word "boilerplate" today and it made me laugh. Isn't that a disgusting word? Of course it makes me think of "boils," those horrible giant infected-looking lumps.

At an IT conference in the fall, everyone kept using the word "robust." Over and over again I heard this word. It was crazy. And it was all to describe boring software applications...and occasionally hardware. I was about to crack up.

Here's a word a friend used last week: "extemporaneous." It reminded me of the Steve Martin movie Roxanne (you know, the one where the usually big-nosed fireman falls in love with Darrell Hannah and convinces her that another fireman is writing her poetry). He would use big words that the jock fireman didn't understand, and one of those words was "extemporaneous," which formed a hilarious scene in which he referred to the night as "extemporaneous." Oh yes, it's all coming back to you now, right?

What words do you love, hate or laugh at? I know you have some.

Well, it's been one of those days...

Ever have someone tell you how to do your job when they have no clue what they're talking about? Obstruct progress because they're hard headed and pathetic? Make a big fat mistake and refuse to correct it, all the while calling you the time-wasting perpetrator?

It's been one of those days. And really, identifying myself as a victim is something I refuse to do. We all have bad days, and that's exactly what they are. Nothing more. But humor me and allow me to bitch on the safety of your screen. It really helps.

The details aren't important. But know that every egotistical punk in the world is on my doodie list at this moment in time. Okay, that's a lie. There are two in particular I'm thinking of. And I would do something enjoyable, like imagine them in a very compromising situation but there's nothing more pathetic than the state they're in right now. Losers.

It sounds bad, I know. But that's the harmless part of my therapy. It stays here on the screen. So tell me about your bad days...have any lately?

I'm so out of here...

Vacation? Is it anywhere in the near future?

It's this time of year when the heavy day dreaming begins for me. That's right, it's time to plan our summer vacation. And I have to say, even having a concrete skeleton of a plan is helpful in getting through the muck of this time of year. It's beautiful outside, and I'm in an office....It's an office I enjoy, doing work I like, and yes, I am happy just to have a job.

But the f word, "freedom," is a good thing too. This year, I'm dreaming of the keys. I've been in Florida for 17 years and haven't been there. Probably won't end up in Key West, but Islamorada is a good possibility. Here's me: in comfy beach chair, reading, thinking about nothing, soaking in the quietude of the private beach. Or birding. Or kayaking. Or seeing key deer. Long walks. Few people.

...And maybe one crazy day trip to Key West. Any pointers on where to stay? We're thinking about this place.

The 7-eleven Skirmish

So hubbie has been rather sick over the last few days and finally was able to get up and work yesterday. He was tired, grumpy and not in the mood for a wise ass punk manning the cashier's counter when he went in 7-eleven for a soda. Evidently, the young smarty pants was making comments about each customer in the long line.

When husband's turn came up, the initial hasty debit card swipe revealed "insufficient funds" for the $3 something purchase. The kid says, "Oh yeah, try it again in a few seconds and I'm sure you'll have money magically appear that wasn't there before."

Good thing husband knew he was right about it being a bunk swipe, because he completely freaked out. "Ring up my f@#*! drink and keep your f@#*! mouth shut about the people in line. How the f@#! would you feel if I really didn't have funds to cover $3? Close your punk ass mouth and do your job!!!!!"

Reportedly, the entire line fell silent. As the second (and successful) card swipe occurred, the cashier formed a silent "o" shape with his mouth, speechless for the first time on duty that day.

Now under normal circumstances, I would think "HELLO, bit of an over reaction--not the high road here." But this kid deserved it and husband could have saved his life. There are some crazy folks out there, and you never know when you can set someone off. Take the hit kid, and wise up to your cheekiness. In the meantime, I know that 7-eleven will always offer excitement and the unknown...a sure source for one of a kind people.

She's One Hell of A Deal: Hello World

Oh my, has it really been one week since I've talked to you? The world is spinning too fast these days. Like you, I'm consumed with bad news between layoffs, way too expensive bail outs and the usual assortment of scary things broadcast at 6 pm.

Yesterday I got the news that a great friend in Charlotte NC (and Gropius reader) was laid off. She's an amazing writer, PR person, marketer, etc. etc. Instead of falling into a whirlwind of depression, this is what she sent out to the world. I know it's long, but read it all & then put on your thinking cap. There's cake involved.... And she's one hell of a deal.


Friends, Family, Former Colleagues and Clients:

Today I joined the ranks of those that have lost their jobs. Yes, it’s disappointing. But it comes with little surprise. Financially, things weren't going well at my former company and I've been expecting it. Anyway, the reason I am writing this letter is to let you know that there's another darn good creative on the streets.

However, I’m not just a creative. Over the years, I’ve done a lot more than write copy. Here’s a little insight into the Becca Bernstein you may think you know:

Sales Guru
In college, I worked part-time and made 36K a year selling everything from Betty Crocker Cookbooks to OSHA Manuals over the phone. After college, I moved to Boston and opened an in-house sales department for a pharmaceutical publishing company. There, I sold training materials to VPs, Executive Directors and Sales Managers. I exceeded every sales goal set before me. And I was involved in the biggest sale of the company, which doubled the revenue for the 1999 fiscal year. For the past eight years, I have used these skills to sell the most intangible product of all: ideas. Basically, I can sell anything.

Marketing Writer
From brochures to websites to banner ads to print ads to new business presentations, I’ve written for a wide array of voices and brands. I can write like a man, a tween, a mom, a member20of AARP, a CEO and I’ve even conquered the voice of a ham sandwich. (Yes, it had a lisp.)

Media
Placing, negotiating, accessing, evaluating—I’ve done it all. When I worked in the gaming industry, I was responsible for getting the word out through all media outlets. I was such a tough negotiator, one of my vendors called me a Bulldog. I’m still blushing from the compliment.

Public Relations
In the gaming industry, my job was to get as much exposure for my company as possible. In my tenure, I was able to secure over $300,000 worth of free press. Which was a big plus because my company w as new to the marketplace and needed all the attention it could get.

So, that’s a brief snapshot into the core capabilities of Becca Bernstein. As we all know, it’s rough out there and finding a job isn’t going to be easy. That’s why I’m asking for your help. Please keep me in mind for any full time, part time or freelance opportunities you come across. As you can see, I’m flexible. As an extra incentive, I am offering the lucky person that finds me a job, a delicious steak dinner at McIntosh’s. And if you aren’t local, I will bake you a cake of your choice.

References and resumes are available on request.
Thanks for all your well wishes and job leads,
Becca Bernstein
704.941.5318