The Wienie that Never Was

When I hastily opened the Morningstar Farms package of "Fake" Italian Sausages, I thought I read that 4 minutes in the microwave was required.

Three minutes and 50 seconds into the microwaving process, the indescribable odor and smoke--along with 4 alarmed co-workers--all led to one conclusion: I had cooked the living hell out of a piece of textured vegetable protein shaped like a wiener.

One end of "the wienie that never was" had turned to a soupy black explosion, sort of like the campfire marsh mellow that ignites on the end of your stick when you aren't paying attention. After the cooling period, the wienie grew hard enough to break a window. It was a damn shame I didn't have my camera to capture this moment in time...

One by one, employees from all corners of the building streamed into the break room to inquire about the source of the free-floating smell--a combination resembling burnt liquorish, a natural gas leak, and steamed brussel sprouts. Not only did it engulf the break room and far reaches of the second floor, but it infiltrated the clothing of anyone present and wandered down the stairway.

Alone and sorry about all the commotion, yet finding a strange sort of poetic justice in my downstairs office, I thought, "Yep. Karma's getting back everyone who has made fun of my fake meat lunches all these years."

When 1 minute is the microwave limit, 3 minutes 50 seconds is one hell of a trip. And so was the rest of the stinking afternoon.