Today in Gropius, we're going to be covering Local Comedy 101.It's called getting your hands on a copy of Longboat Key News and checking out the "On Patrol" section, where stories filed by Longboat Key police officers are reprinted in their own words.
In the sleepy, affluent and extremely anal retentive community of Longboat Key, where merely looking at someone in an "offensive" manner could get the cops called on you, I am alarmed at the proliferation of disturbing crimes being investigated by the police force. Take this one, for instance, an excerpt from the September 5 edition of the Longboat Key News:
Aug. 27
Stolen money, purse
10:28 a.m. - I spoke with the complaintant in reference to a larceny from his motor vehicle...There was a $100 bill located in the middle of the purse and six individual $100 bills located in a side pocket of the purse. The complaintant said that the vehicle was unlocked due to a malfunctioning keyless entry remote....A white plastic filter, belonging in a pop-up sprinkler head, was found in the back floorboard of the vehicle where the purse was located. Complaintant stated that the plastic filter did not belong to him or his wife."
There are sooo many comments I could make about this one. How about this?
Aug. 26
Mysterious noises
11:07 p.m.- I responded to Dream Island Road regarding noises coming from the outside of the residence....The residence was open and there was an inground pool that was also open to the rest of the residence. The residence is a safety issue due to it and the pool being unsecured. It also could be used as a hang out. I will forward a copy to code enforcement.
And then there's this one:
Aug. 31
Object in road
We received a report of a motorist who told police he had struck something in the road. The object turned out to be a rock, approximately 12 inches by 12 inches. Unevenly shaped piece of "rip rap."
Other newsworthy reports include that of an unleashed dog with his owner on the beach, a boat without a lock that was discovered and a 911 hang up. What is this world coming to? The crime on Longboat Key!
I swear I'm not making this up. Check it out yourself here.
I was fascinated to see that the newspaper staff altered the police reports "for privacy and grammar." Why hinder the comedy?
4 comments:
roflmao!
Another page torn from the police crime blotter:
Authorities were summoned today when a nonprofit communications and PR professional had to be restrained while stabbing an innocent Girl Scout janitor with her umbrella. "I've ruined a perfectly good pair of Birkenstocks sloshing from my car to the check-in table," the distraught attendee of the Marketing & PR Forum screamed to a dripping wet crowd of stunned onlookers. Police searched in vain for the valet parking crew that broke their contract with the event organizers, causing forum attendees to wade through six feet of rain water in the Girl Scout parking lot. The janitor, injured but required to man his post by the air conditioning register, refused to press charges.
OMG! You are SUCH the writing Goddess!!!
If I edited these to read like a small town in North Florida, you would be thankful you are among such dignifed folk. I'm not kidding. I'm from Sarasota originally, so I enjoy your blog.
beverly, thanks for reading! glad to have you following gropius
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