Pungent Products

I love going to Bath & Body Works every couple of months to stock up on lotions, body wash, anti-bacterial stuff and other things I don't really need. (It reminds me of a very funny commentary I read in Uncommon Blonde's blog a few weeks back.)

But next time I go to B&BW, I'm going to be a little more careful about sniffing before I buy. You see, the Cucumber Melon foaming anti-bacterial waterless hand sanitizer has gone too far. For months I've been trying to stay the course and use up the small bottle I have in my car, but that time has ended. And there's still product left in the bottle.

Every time I squirt it out after touching a gas pump, change from a drive-through or a Kleenex, it nearly knocks me out. I've had multiple riders who are repelled almost to the point of nausea at its overwhelming odor. And if I use even a dime-sized amount, rest assured I will reek of it for the rest of the day, even after multiple scalding hand washings (yes, with actual soap and water).

Frankly, if someone was coming at me I wouldn't need pepper spray. One small squirt of the Cucumber Melon would render them helpless. So beware, all would-be attackers and smelly shoppers: this product needs to get pulled from the market.

Dancing in Sarasota....

So this guy named Matt has a funny dance. He was paid by Stride gum to travel to a gazillion places around the world to do "The Dance." I'm so ready to do this in Sarasota. With or without you, Matt. It would make a great and bizarre video to incorporate The Dance in front of...

• ...U.S. 41 on prostitute alley.
• ...Hollywood 20 on a Friday night.
• ...outside of the Sarasota Opera before a performance.
• ...at any and all Fall fundraising dinners.

Who's in?

The Silver Sound Effect Alert

Driving out of town for my class yesterday, I encountered several digital signs over the highway indicating that a full "Silver Alert" was in place. I nearly had a wreck trying to read the signs, which also announced an involved vehicle: a silver car of a certain make and model with a certain license plate number, etc. That's a lot of information to read as you're going 75 mph.

Where the hell have I been? I had to phone husband to decode. A Silver Alert is evidently issued when a senior is missing.

No problem. In this part of Florida, it's like asking you to sift through 89% of the population. And the added irony of the silver car elicited a smirk.

After reaching my class, a different type of Silver Alert was enacted. An older gentlemen who is a vocal player in the class discussions showed up in full form, on cue without disappointment. Just as he's done in the past classes, he felt compelled to interrupt the presentation frequently to ask the instructor irrelevant questions about her personal career and to share 100% irrelevant stories. Now I don't mean to be harsh, but please man, spare us. A knowing glance exchanged with the gal beside me indicated that she, too, was on full Silver Alert.

Just to make the mix even more interesting, another overzealous participant provided some great sound effects. Let's just call her Sound Effect Sally. Sally literally cannot contain herself. It was as if she is having a personal conversation with the instructor.

During the three hours of our time together, she verbally called out things like: "Mmmm hmmm." "Oh, okay." "Cool!" "Oh I get it." "WOW!" "Woooaaaah!" "NO!" And when a heavy handout was passed out on two occasions, Sound Effect Sally responded with noises like: "Shhhhhkkkkkkrrrrr!" and "Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm." Although entertaining in ways, it was more bizarre than anything. Is there a new alert system the state of Florida can create for this type of eccentric behavior?

Really, Facebook? REALLY?

Since I've been on Facebook, I've used it a bit to put the word out when there's a new posting on Gropius. This evening, after I posted the last post (completely harmless, I might add), it flagged this innocent little blog as "malicious." I'm guessing because it had the word "gay."

I will repeat the SNL skit by saying, "Really, Facebook? REALLY?"

If you read the blog (or if you know me), you know that I really have ZERO bias for or against anyone and ZERO tolerance for those who discriminate. The post was a musing on someone's silly quirk...having no real connection to anything objectionable about "gay."

Facebook, let's get serious here. Are you a tool to promote social networking, or are you a social networking Nazi? I think I know the answer...and Gropius may be banned from Facebook forever with that last dig. But it's worth it.

Just Because You're a Single 50 Year Old Man, Doesn't Mean You're Gay

...And so what if you are gay? We still love you just the same.

This is the message we need one of our neighbors to get. He's a single man who lives alone and also happens to have a career that's usually gender-specific, leaning toward the women's side of things. And he keeps getting in our face about the fact that he's not gay. Ummm...no one ever said you were gay. And if you are, we don't care. But we are getting a little curious at this point. Just from the sheer number of times you bring it up--unsolicited.

Kind of makes me think of this scene from Lars & The Real Girl. (A highly recommended movie, by the way, about a guy who has girl issues. Very cute, clean and funny.) Do most middle aged single men feel this way? I am uncertain but would love your thoughts.

Your Dead Plants Are Just Charming, Lowes

So we did a little landscaping this weekend. Several stubborn bushes on the side of our house have been living and growing there for years, despite a disgusting black funk on their leaves. I'm sure they were just the wrong plants in the wrong place. Husband dug them out and we needed some replacements.

Now Lowes, don't get me wrong, I know the market for landscaping and home improvement isn't huge with the economy the way it is. But I was just a tad annoyed that most of your plants were non-natives, requiring huge amounts of water or fertilizer, and half of your plants were dead. The rose aisle was a trip. Most of the rose plants featured stems with no leaves and perhaps a stray browning flower. My personal favorite (which I sincerely regret not having a camera to document) was the sale rack, displaying plastic containers of 100% dead plants. The crunching sound I heard when I touched them may be the closest I get to experiencing the Fall here. But I didn't want to pay for the experience.

...And I'll add that when I picked up a pumpkin, the stem literally broke off in my hand. Rotten?

If you want to survive the slump, dear Lowes, please start stocking some living items and perhaps you could even consider a few Florida natives.

I'm the Queen of Red Lights

I feel in my deepest soul that no one on the face of the planet encounters more red lights than I do in my weekly travels. This includes my daily commute from Bradenton to Sarasota, to lunch dates during the work week, and anywhere when I am running a little late.

It’s true. The traffic engineers in Sarasota have plotted against me. If I hit one red light, I hit them all. And I always, always hit one red light, thus triggering a chain reaction of additional red lights that will add on 15 minutes (at least) to a trip that should take only 5 minutes. (Sarasota is notorious for producing traffic patterns that make short distances seem like out of town.)

I’m finding a way to trick the system though. When I leave for work each day, I’m armed with a to-do list, an editing job, or a couple of spare magazine articles I've been trying to read. When I come prepared, the little man up there in the traffic lights spares me the drama of red. You should try it.

But don’t forget to put down the reading materials when the light turns green. One Gropius reader may recall her game of roadside bumper boats caused by her attempt to complete a crossword puzzle while driving. Was it the seafoam green car or the pukey muave sedan that was wrecked? I can't recall, but it was tragic. Almost as tragic as the time her car caught on fire on the way back to college. As she called me from I-4 beside the burning wreckage, she said "This is the most beautiful fire I have ever seen."

In summary, bringing reading materials can trick the Sarasota Red Light Demons. Keeping things in perspective, a long light is always better than a burning car. And finally, friends who find their own car fires beautiful are priceless.