Having a 13 year old in the house, one must decide on a daily basis--um, rather a minute by minute basis--when to make a big deal out of a situation you're not too pleased with and when to leave well enough alone. Case in point: when the you see an outgoing text message with the words "How ya doin' today, sexy" on his cell phone, do you...
a.) Worry that tweenage sex is but a moment from entering the realm of your serious concern.
b.) Think, "Oh well, it's okay. I mean I didn't do that at age 13. Oh yeah, I didn't know what a cell phone WAS at age 13."
c.) Give a long lecture about appropriateness, along with the secondary lecture routine: "Don't you dare erase any outgoing or incoming text messages before I have a chance to read them!"
Erring on the side of caution, I just took the damn cell phone away.
I mean, THIRTEEN? Am I overreacting? Someone at Planned Parenthood was telling me that many kids are running around at 14 having sex. I'm sorry but I think that is one of the worst freaking things I have heard in forever.
My 13 year old is like a 10 year old with a body containing a few emerging armpit hairs. ...And yes, he did steal dad's razor out of the bathroom and shave a fine-hair mustache. What? Does he think it's not going to grow back thicker and stronger?
Last night I found him muttering to himself, almost in tears, in his bedroom about an hour after he was supposed to be asleep.
Gropius: "What is going on in here?"
D-Man: "It's just...not (sniff, sniff)...fair."
Gropius: "WHAT's not fair?"
D-Man: "Dad is over saying goodbye, and I can't even go over there now."
So after several long minutes of trying to decipher what the hell he was talking about, I realized that our neighbors across the street had a few house guests this week, including a few young cousins. Evidently, that was plenty of time for D-Man to dump the 5th "girlfriend" in a month and decide he was in love with one of the young visitors. This morning, I found the back door wide open. At 7:15 a.m., he had run out to say goodbye.
Is this sweet? Or am I in eminent danger of becoming a grandmother? You think I'm nuts, I know. But it scares the hell out of me. We've had the big talk. Several times. They're showing condom videos at school. I don't want to make anything such a big deal that the kid is afraid to ever tell me anything. Establishing trust and having control: two sides of the same coin.
I know, I know. It's called puberty. It's just that I'm really not ready. And maybe this post should have been titled "The Big P." Please, have pity on me.
ONLY funny comments and or supportive comments allowed on this one. No lectures please. :)
14 comments:
When he's 16 you'll look back and wish a text was all you were worrying about. LOL.
Wow! D-man! He's growing up, Susie! And this is just the beginning. Soon he'll have armpit hair!
best of luck - I can't even begin to relate since I am not a parent. Dogs don't count with big stuff like this. So how long were you planning to lock up the cell phone?
My kids told me that what you've heard is true. Kids are actively engaged in sexual activity in large number by middle school age. It's positively frightening!
Your multiple choice quiz didn't have "D" all of the above! Because parenting, in my limited experience, runs the entire gamut of reactions, emotions, etc...
It sounds like he's still talking to you, so my guess is you're doing just fine...if he stops talking then I'd worry.
I'm with Cynthia. He likes you and he's still communicating with you. Keep that channel open. I know he values it.
I read posts like this and I literally dread my kid growing older. My ex works at planned parenthood and you don't even want to know what he has told me.
I think you did the right thing but oy! I know how to keep them from getting into trouble, being honest with you, wanting to talk to you and not wanting to hit them over the head for doing, texting, whatever the crap that they do. OY!
As the father of three daughters, whom technology consumed early, I think it is critical to do as I have always told my wife: "Pick your battles..." and pick them carefully. My girls all found their way to Facebook (and My Space as the precursor) very early, lying about their ages to be able to establish a profile. That deception killed me, but I made the decision to tell them that I was upset with them because lying in that manner was a not a value that they had been raised with. The word "disappointed" became life collateral for them. Since their mother and I would rarely flip, they hated disappointing us and the way it impacted our relationship. At the end of the day, I had no desire to drive them underground, and so I always tempered my response to an issue when they told me the truth. The bone I held out there for "some day" was freedom...if you want personal freedom, we must feel we can trust you. If you betray our trust, knowing that it is the worst thing you can do to a parent, you will suffer the consequences. As a result, I can honestly tell you that when push came to shove on some critical issues, they told us the hard truth. We have always appreciated that and they have been rewarded for being women with integrity. My advice: Give him a defined time for phone exile and tell him that if he can assure you and your husband that he can be trusted to use the phone maturely he can have it back. If he repeats, he needs to know that will be his choice and he will lose the phone for good. And...start selling him on having a personal commitment to his own integrity. Some day down the road, the world will measure him by the person he appears to be to them.
Hang in there Gropy! While G-Man seems to be a late bloomer, we've already gone through this with Mr. A. Actually, we're still going through it. Mr. A was mopey this week because he got "prom dumped" by a girl he really, really liked. Remember, communication is key! I'm always here if you need to comiserate!
Been there, done that...good luck! Bottom line - pick your battles. Won't tell you any stories in the comment section, but someday if you need them...I'll send them email. Everything will be ok.
Wow, not an easy situation to deal with indeed! I have to agree with some of the commenters - it's greta that he's actually talking to you. As for the text and the whole tween sex thing... I really don't know, I guess it's different in every specific case. I remember back when I was a teen my mom was more reserved on the subject and even though we never talked about it she always told me to turn away or changed teh channel when there was even a slight sex hint on the tv screen lol I assume she thought I was a very innocent girl, who doens't know what it's all about. Then after I turned 18 everything just changed drastically... We still didn't discuss the subject yet she probably thought I was an adult and had the "right" to have sex, so all of a sudden she went about asking questions. Actually, I remember when I was around 20 she once said something like "So you and X... Looks like you really like each other, uhm... So did you have sex? Oh don't worry, I'm just trying to say that I want to hear that you did! Nothing's wrong with having sex" LMAO :))) I think since we never talked about it she started thinking that if I still didn't talk it meant I "still" didn't start having it lol I still refuse to talk about it with her, because I just can't - we never did and I just don't see a point in it. Something tells me I'm naughtier than she could handle anyway, so I'd rather her be comfortable with what she thinks about the whole thing! Sooo, I guess what Michael said is true also... Today you're worrying about that, then you might look back and wish you didn't have to worry about something else!
Well, sorry Gropey, that was long... I guess this post really inspired me haha
I'm a part-time stepmom to a thirteen year old (very pretty and mature) GIRL, and she's going through the same stage. I feel your pain to some degree. I say just go with your gut about the right way to raise him. As long as he knows you care and that you are just looking out for him, he'll probably heed what you say (for the most part).
Thanks for the encouraging msg on my blog! Made me feel good when I read it this morning!
Gropy,
You are doing the right thing being consistent and strong and restating values all the time and holding DMan to them. But don't expect this to be a linear ride! More like a ride on the carousel in one of Hitchcock's scary movies. In the end, he will make mistakes and we can only pray they are reversible and not life altering! Kids are overly sexualized these days and grow up way too fast with too much pressure. The girls are some of the worst culprits, too. Make sure that hubby doesn't tease him too much and keeps talking, talking, talking. You're giving him the right messages from your end; he has to validate them from the "guys'" perspective too. love you! rl
At least you're trying to impose some rules, which is more than many kids get. Good for you!
That's smart to take his phone away. ;-) Sexting is "cute" until he gets sued for sexual harassment. Now is a great time to break him of the habit.
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