My general "no violence" mantra may have its exceptions.
Yesterday I got the call that every parent dreads. "D-Man has been suspended from school for two days and cannot ride the bus all next week." All I heard was "fight" and immediately was disappointed that all of my "working it out with words" fell to the way side.
Big Bad Bully rides D-Man's bus and makes it his regular business to harass kids in the halls and on the ride into school. Slapping them on the back of the head, ramming into them, pulling on backpacks, yelling "Your mother is a whore," "You're a fag"--all of the disgusting comments that help a nasty kid precede his own reputation--were daily naturals for this kid.
The bottom line was: D-Man had enough on Friday, March 19 at 8:27 a.m.. And he was first physically assaulted by Big Bad Bully.
No one disputes that Triple B turned around and hit D-Man--much smaller than him and smaller than most of the boys his age-- in the neck. It evidently knocked the wind right out of him, and took him a moment to recover. The next thing D-man remembers, he was on top of Triple B, "wailing" on him. After it was all over, the two sat on the bus, waiting for each kid to walk down the aisle and down the steps. We heard from the neighbor that hardly anyone failed to congratulate D-Man for giving Triple B what was coming to him.
Triple B's parents rushed to the school, took their poor wounded bully son out for the day and went on about how terrible "this other kid" was. Who is a foot shorter. Who has been tormented by their son for months. And who school administration has failed to protect from bullies like their son.
Today will be a day of chores for D-Man. He's dressed in a baseball cap and Marti Gras beads, no doubt a celebration of sorts of the newly-found bad ass in him. I asked him if he felt he made the right decision. "Yes," he said without so much of a 2-second consideration.
D-Man makes friends easily, he's not violent in nature and he often sticks up for those who have more difficulty on the social side of things. At the same time, the "cool" factor has never really been a problem for him.
What do I do as a parent? Can I blame him? The last thing I want to do is ever, ever encourage this. But perhaps this single action is enough to let everyone at school know that D-Man may be smaller but not weaker. In this case, the line that was crossed and paid for with an embarrassing social ticket for Big Bad Bully will prevent future acts of verbal and physical violence coming from him.
I don't want D-Man to think this is a way to solve anything. Yet, a deep inner instinct I cannot help but suppress tells me that he did solve something. He's coming out on the winning end of the humiliation that many kids endure--humiliation that starts young and, unfortunately, shapes them forever with a terrible feeling of inadequacy. He deserves not to feel threatened at school and he stood up for himself, with consequences, but in a way that frees him.
18 comments:
The one thing I learned as a child, was that if someone starts a fight with you, you end it. Not by walking away, but by hurting him badly enough that he will never, ever attack you again. And if you want to make an example of him to his friends, so THEY will leave you alone too, then hurt him worse. It's an object lesson. And it's very empowering.
Schools have a "no violence, punish everyone" policy, but all it does is drive the violence off the campus, where the school bureaucrats don't have to deal with it. But every victim has to deal with it, no matter where they are, and the best time to address it is when they're attacked.
I'm proud of D-Man, and I know you are too. He HAS solved a lot of problems, problems that could cause him serious self-esteem issues later. And he can wear his suspension as a badge of honor. ;-)
I'm proud of D-Man for standing up for himself and all the other kids on the bus. I don't approve of violence either but obviously the "turning the other cheek" concept is above the intellectual capibilities of the bully. Did the bully get suspended as well?
It's true that there are consequences to his actions, and that's a good thing - if he got away with it it'd only have a great chance to teach him the wrong thing. I love it how he said he thougth he did the right thing. That, together with the consequenes I feel like he's ready to handle is a good thing. I think if I were you, I'd be proud of him.
When I was about D-Man's age, I got into my first "big time" school fight of sorts. A boy named Steve R. had made it his business to torture me day in and day out. Finally, I could take no more and so I, quite summarily, beat the holy heck out of him, which earned me a three day suspension and a mind blowing beating from my father. When he was through painting the walls with me, my father told me to "turn around and walk away" when someone harasses me.
Having no desire for an encore thrashing from my old man, I did as I was told the following Monday when good old Steve R. came up to me with his foul mouth: I turned around and started walking away.
Then I woke up two days later in the hospital.
Turns out good old Steve decided that it was a great opportunity for him to play "home run derby" with the back of my head. Fractured skull later, I was lucky to have survived.
In the years that followed, I was suspended many times for fighting. Where I grew up, you fought or you died. My father never again suggest I turn and walk away. Some fights I won, some I lost...but in each case the assailant was worse for the experience. By the time I made it to high school, nobody messed with me any more.
So...in life we all need to know when to dig in and take a stand for our personal dignity. D-Man just learned where his line in the sand is, and more power to him. Never turn your back on a bully.
I have to agree with the above. When my son was younger we had a list in our heads I'd go over with him constantly. Tell an adult, walk away, use words, blah blah. But when all that runs out, you can't let someone beat the crap out of you.
Way to go D man.
When dealing with bullies all that stuff about walking away etc only works if you're ready to get beat up for being naive. Yeah, it's a nice concept and applies to rational people where one might be having a short term seige of anger.But bullies are a different case. They're not normal.So protect yourself D-man.That's not aggression, that's meaaningful self defense.I'm sure you know the difference between a situation where you should walk away and one where you have to protect yourself from physical and mental damage.And be careful. That nerk may not have leanred his lesson yet, especially if his parents rushed to console him. And remember it's not cowardly to avoid him as long as you're not inconveniencing or degrading yourself to do it. No use getting involved again if you can reasonably avoid it.
And oh yeah, remind yourself that in the future while you're having a successful career Mr. Bullyy will proably be doing some menial job or even sitting in jail. I know. I've seen it happen.
Gropy: I totally feel your pain. As a completely pacifist mother who always did the "use your words" mantra and encouraged no fighting, I would also rail against the bully and want him punished. When the administration fails to protect kids from bullies, what are parents to do? I feel for D-man and am glad he survived the battle intact, and that he is doing his penance. I made the mistake of being too wimpy in this department, so I will be really anxious to know what happens next time on the bus and how those stinky parents of the bully handle the aftermath. I'm conflicted about this just like you. rl
What KB said.
And what else is the school doing about it, besides handing out suspensions?
The boy did just what he should have. He defended himself. I'm proud of him. Though you don't want to encourage fighting, neither do you want to encourage him to do nothing when he's attacked. I bet that bully will think twice before going after your son again -- or anybody else when your son is around. :)
way to go D-Man! Understanding the need for school suspension policies for fighting, it is a huge injustice to get suspended for doing the school's job for them - stopping the bullying.
I'm proud of D-Man for standing up against that bully.
I always remind my boys when they were little not to start a fight. But they have to fight if somebody assaults them. I don't care if they get suspended for fighting. Just don't start the fight.
To this day, that advice is still embedded in their minds.
Have a great day! xoxo
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful remarks and for your own stories. I hate it when things come to the point of physical solutions, but sometimes evidently, they do. I had D-Man write out 3 other things he could have done and then asked him which solution was the right one, given the circumstance of the initial assault and the history of the bullying. We both decided he did what was right. The other kid is suspended as well. Husband will be at the school on Monday to discuss the situation, and I'm writing letters to the administration and teachers. I know it's tough from their perspective, but this issue isn't just confined to D-Man. It's pervasive these days...and nothing new. Thank you again, for taking the time here!
I don't even know D-Man and I can tell you: he's good people. When pushed around long enough one will finally reach a breaking point where enough is enough and D-Man had clearly had enough.
I agree with Marvin (mostly because he has me on monetary retainer to do so) in that sometimes you need to end it by making it clear you will no longer tolerate being mentally and physically pushed around.
The school has punished all who fought and I suppose that's what they should do in most circumstances. Sometimes it's well worth the punishment.
Neat blog site.
jenji
I think he did the right thing. He's gotta stick up for himself, and sometimes enough is enough.
I was so picked on in school it was horrible. I'm proud of your kid. These parents of the bully need to be spoken to. This kid learned it all from them.
What a fascinating tale. I see physical and verbal bullying everyday. I'm always interested in those who can wield the pen (and the word) mightier than the sword - but teens aren't always as equipped with the ed.psych jargon as grown-ups and they don't always have the right words at the ready. Boys seem to be adept at leveling the pecking order with a bout of fisticuffs, whereas girls have an insidious way of torturing each other subtly over long periods. On that note, I'm all for a decent punch-up when it's used in moderation and in conjunction with other tactics: informing adults, keeping records and using big words to confuse bullies.
While it is admirable to overcome fear and simply stand up to a Triple B, clear-headedness is paramount. The idea is to not lose one's cool and not stray into the red zone, which involves continuing fights in enclosed spaces. The bus factor could put the driver off with awful consequences. I like a heroic underdog moment as much as anyone, but at least the incident sparked involvement of parents and new perspectives. Triple B may yet learn that if you dish it out, you gotta take it!
Well, on the parenting side of things, I can't really advise or opine as I have no experience of my own. However, on the human side of things, as well as the bullied child side of things, I say he did the right thing and I don't blame him for a second!
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